Blindsided

One of the first pencil/sketch pieces I've submitted to my main gallery in a long time, and that's for a simple reason - I'm not going to ink this. I don't think inking could do this thing justice. Besides, the sketchy style is rough. Rough is how I feel right now.

This will probably be what many will call "vent art" so be warned, if you're looking for something happy, go elsewhere, because you aren't going to find it here right now.

I'm not going to name names. I'm not going to give specifics. The matter that gave birth to this piece is a private one. Any and all questions are subject to my "right of first refusal" to answer, particularly in comments. Private messages from close friends will be more likely to receive answers, but the same rules apply there.

Chances are, the people who need to know will already understand all the need to.

Long story short, I got delivered a harsh piece of news last night. A group of friends who I loved and cherished my time with was, in essence, broken. I was blindsided by this news. I'd known there had been some drama of late, but they'd mostly kept me out of it, something I thanked them for.

Now, I half-wonder if maybe I would rather have known what was going on. Maybe I would have seen this coming. I keep wondering what happened, what changed so much in such a short time that we went from a solid group who enjoyed each other's company - altogether or even just one-on-one - to this. I thought things were getting better.

I'm not going to judge anyone - or at least I'm going to try my hardest not to. Maybe there's some vast circumstance I'm not seeing and never will see.

I don't know, I just don't know.

These people were some of my greatest support, my pillars of solidarity in the chaos that is my life right now. I'd figured that this group was something I could count on, through thick and thin.

And in the end, I'm left with the question of "What now?"

I'm still friendly with everyone, but the bonds that held many of us together are gone, and that's what made our friendships all the more stronger. And with those extra bonds gone, it feels like something has been lost, something I didn't want to lose. There's other parts, parts I won't mention here. But...

All I do know is that, no matter how much I want to be able to swoop in and fix this, I'm not going to. I can't. I'm not God. Whatever people do is their own choice. I just wish the choices wouldn't hurt so much.

Again, if you don't already know what's going on - ask questions, and I have every right to not answer them. I don't want this to be seen as an attack - that's not my intent. I'm pushing it with my explanation as is, but the problem with me is that I have to explain myself, and my feelings, and have them be understood to cope better. I did my best to not single out anyone or anything, and overall think I did an okay job... I'm just trying to cope, to understand and express these feeling so I don't keep them locked up inside of me.

I know the pain I'm feeling is raw and fresh, and, come next week, will probably be a lot easier to face. But for now... this is how I am inside.